‘TO BE OR NOT TO BE’-LIEVE ADVICE, THESE DAYS!

‘TO BE OR NOT TO BE’-LIEVE ADVICE, THESE DAYS!

A few days ago, I read in news about an important man advocating that all children should study in the local languages in schools; that this would enhance our heritage and culture. Extremely laudable sentiments!!

Except that I know for a fact, his grandson is studying in a posh residential private school in English medium! His own children graduated from Ivy League British universities also in English!

Not only him, but also scores of other people in high places exhort you and me to be honest, always speak the truth, never to bribe, to offer all our services free, to do any menial job however educated you might be and to lead a Spartan life! No dearth of such advice from the high and mighty guys! But they are good at only giving advice, while doing the contrary!

They often quote in the same breath, from Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Father of our Nation!

The gullible public gulp all they hear! But the shrewd ones see through the messages!

‘To be- or not to be’-lieve such advice is the question!

So whose advice are you really listening to these days?

INNER VOICE:

If you ask me what I do in these situations, the most important thing I do is to listen to my own ‘inner voice!’

The inner voice is a combination of all the advice over the years rolled into one! It is the voice, disagreeing with what you are about to do! even when no one is looking! Yes, we are talking about your conscience!

Your ‘good-self’ wants to study, the ‘bad-self’ wants to update the Facebook with a selfie! Or to get up at 5 am in response to the mobile alarm to jog, or blame it on the weather to continue in bed! Whatever!

PARENTS:

Parents always wish the best for their children! They give sterling advice to the progeny! No doubt in that!

But as you grow up, the cracks may show up, due to differences in age, failure of the parents to think along with the changes in the social environment, failure to give up some of their vacuous beliefs!

As a young, growing individual / adult, you have an innate feeling about what you work to do, to stick around in home town or go abroad for work, what to eat, whom you should hang around with or even whom you should marry!

This may create a dilemma, as parents may be operating on an entirely different frequency!

Such occasions occur in everyone’s lives! Either you cave in right away to their ‘apparent ‘vexatious demand for the rest of your lives or plead for time to think it over! Latter is the better option!  Given time, the best option will unfold itself!

TEACHERS:

Teachers too wish the best for you!

My sister who is a mathematics teacher speaks proudly of all her students even years later! All my teachers at St Joseph’s high school and college, Tiruchirapalli did more than their best, to make us good citizens!

Teachers however can be opinionated and their advice in my humble opinion can be best deployed in the subject they teach. Their student volume is so large that they can only be expected to offer general advice on the rest of the problems.

MENTORS:

When you graduate and as you become a professional, you are still at the bottom of the ladder with reference to the career! You are probably in your early thirties by now.

The young lawyer, young doctor, young teacher, young businessman may need advice now and then! In need of solid advice which can make you or break you! Mentors can make a remarkable difference at this stage!

Mentors are generally older by a few or many years. They have had been exposed to similar situations and experiences. They may be in the same profession or even senior friends who wish the best for you at heart!

They need to keep your problems confidential! It is best to identify who your mentors are at an early stage and keep a long association with them! This relationship later on turns reciprocal, as they may seek your advice when you progress in your profession!

COACHES:

When you have reached late forties or early fifties, you think you own the world!  You think you have seen it all! You undertake big tasks, big risks! You then encounter a few (or unfortunately more) big disasters! Moreso if you are in the performance occupations!

To minimize your mistakes, you need continued coaching. Like Federer in tennis, like Messi in football! If you are a professional musician, you need a better musician to make you better! If you are a medical specialist, you need to keep learning the new developments by constant programs from people who are leading specialists!

At this stage, coaches you employ deserve a fee. You can afford it, and what you learn is top of the shelf stuff!

Coaches are about the same age as you or even younger than you! Pay them well for sharing their expertise and time! Coaches are cultivated, very experienced guys who may or may not have a solution to all your problems! But they have the character to sit with you, dissect all your defects, analyze them and offer solutions (whenever possible)! And you should be willing to listen to them- ha ha!

.  Good things to remember at this stage of your life are:

.  Age alone does not make you an experienced person!

.  Years of service certainly does not make you an experience person in performance jobs!

.  Experts need advice from other experts! No man is an island!

PERSONAL COMMENTS:

In reality, it is surprising how much I have learnt from junior doctors, nurses in my life. I am sure other senior surgeons too would vouch for this!

If only you keep your eyes open, ears too, you can learn a lot!

My 2 year old grandson likes playing with fans. He pulls an old, table fan wherever he goes. It does not work and even the wire for the plug has been removed. He complains often it ‘does not work’! We told him it is never going to work!

The other day from the corner of the room, he started yelling, ‘working, working!’ I rushed to see the fan was happily rotating the blades, pretty fast too! He had placed this old beaten up fan opposite to a live table fan on the floor. The wind from the latter was pushing the blades of the non-functioning fan! So something new to learn from a two year old too!

This story brings us back a whole circle that the ‘inner voice’ of advice has to be from inside you, even when you are only two years old! The whole world can be giving you advice, but you can bring out your own solution!

THE PROBLEM WITH TOO MUCH ADVICE:

Most of the time, many folks offer you unsolicited advice with conflicting ideas! One is forced to listen to all of them! At such times, it is good to have a built in filter in you, which should tell you the right from wrong decision!

The modern professional may ask for advice in whatsApp groups or email groups. He gets a load of conflicting advice from a large number of people. It is prudent to recall that most names which appear are just cyber personalities about whom you may know nothing! They may be having far less experience than you, but may be very vocal on the net! So be cautious on the advice in the cyberspace! No doubt such a discussion is good to upgrade the knowledge of the all the members.

SUMMARY:

The ‘inner voice’ is developed from

.  The time you spent on your mother’s lap, and her bedtime, moral stories,

.  Your parents’ behavior when then encountered similar problems and how they solved them (hence the term ‘the apple does not fall from the tree’)

.  Your teachers

.  Your mentors

.  Your coaches

Most of all from inside you – buck stops here!

It is also always essential to have

.   ‘Good people’ around you – small number is enough

.   To be in touch with ’good people’ even from afar

.   Cultivate a long term relationship from them!

                 You will never regret it! Never let them regret it too!

Acknowlegement: Images from internet.

THE GAMES PEOPLE PLAY!

THE GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

Was it a trip to my hometown, or a luncheon in Trichy with cousins-only group that triggered my emotions on how my childhood days were spent. I met old friends in my former street, after so many decades and we recalled with nostalgia, incidents of how we spent our non-school hours in the streets, at each others’ homes!

We could, after games, walk into any house in 7^th cross Thillainagar and were readily treated to water, coffee and snacks!

On my return journey to Coimbatore, I was musing on how things have changed.

WHY?

Was it the games that we played which prepared us for life? Partly true!

Was it the interaction with our playmates, sometimes in joy, sometimes in anger… but always prevailing as friends which helped us in later life as professions? I certainly think so!

THE CHANGE OVER

I do not recall much of violent crime among the public, in the yesterdays!

I don’t need to recite examples in our present era… all you have to do, is to switch on any TV news channel, any day, any time! And you are exposed to so  much horror - violence of humans against humans, humans v  against animals, humans against nature!

THE FACTORS

The underlying factors for this behavior may be in the ways we bring up our children! 

At least it may be an important, if not the only factor!

That has to do with the school and non-school hours!

We have changed over the years. Change is good! If you don’t change, you don’t survive!

COMPARISON OF TIME SPENT OUT OF SCHOOL

I have compiled and compared the games we played as kids, and the games the kids play nowadays!

Games of the last 30 years!-

• Police and robbers
• Flying kites
• Marbles
• Playing wooden tops
• Gilli Danda
• Hopscotch (Nondi)
• Playing tap within a square
• Pallankuzhi
• Street cricket
• Street football with tennis or rubber ball
• Skipping rope ( 1, or 1+2)
• Kabadi
• Musical chair
• Match box telephone on a string
• Making string patterns with both hands
• Running races on the road
• Bicycle races on the road – slow and fast
• Ball badminton
• Swimming in wells

Games after 2000-

• Mobile – checking FB, Instagram, reading & forwarding whatsApp messasges
• Television serials, movies
• Mobile , TV games with console
• Motor bike rides
• Cricket in stadiums
• Shuttle badminton in courts
• Gym – indoors
• Swimming in pools

WHY DO CHILDREN PLAY GAMES?

Importance of games:

• Games are there for several reasons. Mainly to :
• Have fun
• Prepares you for life
• Prepare of physical skills, motor skills
• Compete
• Aim to be the best and being magnanimous in victory
• Accept defeats and being graceful in failure
• To exchange directly with opponent both in co-operation as well as in disagreements
• To develop good spirits of sports – winning and losing is only in a game, remain friends after that

 

Negative aspects of games, some of which are:

• Introversion in just immersing oneself in mobile
• Curiosity in others activities like in FB
• Shallow emotions, false emotions – like thumbs up when you really don’t mean it
• Physical immobility for long periods
• Being a loner with a mobile
• Eating while watching mobile, TV leading to obesity and other diseases
• Sending forwards – more to be in the group rather than saying what you really want to say
• Loss of self expression and self assertion – internet immersion rather than being physically in a group.
• Let others dictate to you how to spend your time (programs on TV, movies).

AS WE GROW UP INTO ADULTHOOD

As we grow up, we want to do things on your own

• You do not get bored when alone!
• You do the things you love best!
• You change – I write blogs of my experiences. I don’t know if anyone likes them, but hope someone will!
• You are equally happy with people as without people!
• You have aims in life and try to do your best to achieve them!
• You spend enough time with family!
• People miss you when you are not there!

What more do you want in your life! What more, Indeed!

Change is indubitably inevitable!Intelligence is the adaptability of the surviving organism to the surrounding changing environment! So we as parents, better change for a better life! But keep the good parts of the game going!

THE JUDAS TREE by AJ CRONIN - BOOK REVIEW

THE JUDAS TREE  by AJ CRONIN - BOOK REVIEW

'The Judas Tree' by AJ Cronin (1896-1981) published in 1961 is an absolute classic novel.

I chanced to lay my hands on it amongst the significant collection of non-medical books at home. It was meant to be a 'time-pass ' on my return from Bengaluru.

'The Judas Tree' and my sister's carefully packed Pongal lunch and dinner made me firmly glued to my seat 75 in C3U of Uday!

I had read 'The Citadel' by the famous man in 1977. It had left a lasting memory in me! The physician turned novelist had a flair for words, candor for scenery and could spin a mean plot for several generations of characters! 

You taste the flavour of the events horizontally and smell a whiff of the plot vertically as it descends down the subsequent generations! As always, there is a twist in the tail, with an unforeseen ending!

Dr David Murray top of his class, falls in love with Mary Douglas. Love is portrayed, as it generally is for the middle class man! One feels the dedication of a struggling, but brilliant medical student with the singular motto of brilliant academics!

But forces conspire him to marry unhappily Doris, a rich woman for money in conniving circumstances! He gets separated from her after a brief petiod to be a rich man! The scenes are set in rich, expensive circumstances of the bourgeois living in Switzerland!

Trying to make amends for the deceipt of his earlier lover, he succumbs to fall in love with Mary's daughter, Kathy. The vigour of a focussed, unspoiled young woman in her dedication to the poor and the deprived society is well painted!

Only to fall a prey to a much older Frida, a mentally strong (?too strong) woman! Her firm actions are blatantly direct and honest!

Which tells you too much honesty too fast may not be the best policy! (as most politicians can vouch for!!😉)

One wonders why and how the author is able to write fluently about the incidents horizontally and vertically down the generations! Has the experience of being a physician seeing generations of families, helped him to weave a thread of imaginary events so lucidly? Not only in this, but also his other novels too! ..... I guess so!

Reading this novel gives you a sad feeling! But the writing makes his characters and surroundings come alive !

A welcome break from the mobile for a while!

Also the reading keeps your mind from wandering off, from why Uday Express is called a Super Fast Train. The modern train keeps travelling super fast only to be stopped in the outer part of Coimbatore junction for a long long time! It is certainly a Super Stop for a Super Train!

And one wonders if the railway officers should be trained by air controllers, so that they will learn to keep the trains moving all the time except in the stations!😂

DO OUR ‘HEROES’ HAVE THE MORAL FIBRE?

DO OUR ‘HEROES’ HAVE THE MORAL FIBRE?

'Hero' is a person who is admired for courage,outstanding achievement or noble quality! In mythology, it is a person of superhuman strength and semi divine origin.

Hero also is a champion, great man, man of the hour, conquerer in war, a man of great physique!

Hero may be found in a book, story, play, history or film with good qualities.

WHAT WE TELL OUR CHILDREN:

We teach our children to be like some hero, when they grow up. After we grow, we long to be that hero! This is natural. All of us do this all the time!

It is only the concept of hero worship that I question.  I do not wish to upset people by dropping names of some of the heroes! Our concept of hero or role model may be like some particular superstar in Tamil or Hindi movies. Or to be rich and live luxuriously like the Ambanis. We may dream of our kids to become the most famous politicians of the country (whoever they may be).

There is no doubt that we wish our children to have great qualities such as punctuality, honesty, integrity, valour, leadership, great courage, magnanimity in victory, grace in defeat, curtsy, patience, tolerance, politeness, good health!

We keep telling our children to be like the first ranker in class while we ourselves as adults dream of achieving the status of some of our own heroes.

THE TRUTH:

But I am certain that the people we allude these characteristics to, may be totally be lacking in some, if not many of these qualities.

For instance, people with political nexus may accumulate surplus money, influence and acquire popularity in no time, set up large factories, multiple businesses or health industries!  We know the kind of ‘wheeling and dealing’ that goes on to achieve these ends!

Recently a couple of famous, young cricketers were dropped from the national team for want of decency about women. Remember, they were ‘heroes’ till 5 days ago! I have no doubt that they will get back to their ratings given time. 

We have had a sample ‘sneak shot’ of our real heroes in this instance in real life! Heroes in real life seldom expose their weakness in public!!

FAULTY SHIFT IN FOCUS:

Would you like your child to achieve greatness, but lose his moral fibre as he ascends up in life?

We have always retained the knack of teaching our children great qualities , but have wrongly shifted the focus to follow heroes who are presumed to have these qualities. 

Despite good parenthood,  the children may have also got mixed signals from films, television channels about the rich and famous! So they tend to look upto ‘actual real heroes’ rather than ‘hypothetical heroes’ with such qualities.

‘If my hero can cheat, smoke, womanise, kill, why not me’ would be the logic of such a child! This  leads to crime not only in adulthood but also in the teens!

RESULTANT SCENERIO:

Such a behaviour results in

• lying,
• stealing,
• copying in exams for better marks,
• cheating in real life to win at any cost,
• poor choice of friends,
• disrespect to parents ,law and property
• alcoholism,
• drinking,
• cruelty,(in beating up the father for film money to see your hero in the silver screen at the first show, the first day!) 
• in writing unprintable responses in social media on items of politics, events, occurrences, 
• in poor quality debates almost every night on television - with crass, gross, loud, argumentative, abusive language, ( when they grow up !)
• in murders for revenge on opinions of people with contrary belief to our own!

It is time for us to turn away from reel personalities for qualities to fairy tales personalities with ideal qualities! Let us continue to teach our kids great qualities of life, but keep the ‘real heroes’ at bay!

IN SUMMARY:

In general,

• don’t compare your child to other children in class or school!
• don’t dream want to be like someone in real life!
• instead, teach them to long for the qualities in such a hero-person !
• teach them every hero has a good side and mediocre side! Just follow the good side!
• don’t put heroes on too high a pedestal!
• higher they stand, greater the heroes fall!
• be aware that an ordinary citizen may become a hero with an extraordinary action!
• lead  your life with satisfaction, you are better than many!
• set an example with your own life! &
• spend more time with family so that children get the flavour of how to behave!

And last of all, it is high time that our dictionaries and story books stopped referring to the hero as ’man’! The ladies are equally good (or bad)!

'JUDGING OTHERS IS WRONG!'…. OH, REALLY?!

'JUDGING OTHERS IS WRONG!'…. OH, REALLY?!

Most written materials say that we should not judge others!

Religious leaders say 'Don't judge people! Everyone is God's creation!' Others say 'You cannot judge my choices without understanding my reason'

At the outset, I want to differentiate this blog from being judgemental. It is NOT about being judgemental. Judgemental means 'having an overtly critical point of view'. This blog is about judging others around you when it comes to relationship with you!

We learn to judge at a very early date in life. Infant does not cry with the mother as it judges her to be loving. 

My 2 year old grandson does not hesitate to yell for me when he is denied chocolates by his mom / grandma, as he already has me figured out for a sucker who readily yields to his demands!

When you reach your teens, who do you tell your secrets to? Not to a blabber mouth! But only to a friend who can keep your confidence. See, you are already judging others while in school!

If you want a badminton partner in college from a pool of players, you would choose the one whom you judge to be a strong player, wouldn't you? Not the weak one! Ha, you are judging subconsciously!

So when the gurus tell you not to judge, it is impossible to comply! It doesn’t make sense to me!

Most of life's experiences when it involves other people, are based on good or lousy judgements!

HOW DO YOU BASE YOUR JUDGEMENTS? ON WHAT?

1) FIRST IMPRESSIONS; First thing that comes to my mind is the saying 'First impressions make the best impression’. Indeed! 

For a superficial, short time, nothing like a first impression! 

When I visited Raymonds for a suit, I went to the best dressed salesman among many others, to the guy who spoke good English and the best polished manners! So, for a minimal contact with the world, the best appearances, the best manners, the best way of speaking matter!

2) QUALITY ADVERTISEMENTS: Best Adverts on FB, Instagram, TV, newspapers exploit this trick very well! Advertisements with heavy branding and great visuals tend to bias you! It works for toothpaste, hotels, hospitals, holiday travel agencies, cosmetics and what not!

Take for instance, you'd choose a hotel based only on the best advertisement for a holiday, or a hospital which advertises a new gadget for treatment! This can be a powerful tool! You base your judgement not consulting with a previous customer, but purely on a well orchestrated advertisement!

3) PAST EXPERIENCES:Now we are making more sense! When you visit the hotel, you may have great or mediocre experiences; you form your own judgement about whether it was good or not so good! 

This judgement based on previous experience is more balanced ! Your remember the painful cramps and the runs in the morning after eating for a long time... enough to avoid going there ever again! 

4) BEST DEALS IN TOWN:I needed a housing loan many decades ago for my flat. I went to a posh private bank , sat in an plush leather sofa and took it from a manager with the best tailored suit! 

Nearly two scores of years later, I am now helping my son with a loan application for his flat. I have footed three different banks with nice managers, but I focus on only the interest rates, the processing fees and the foreclosure penalty! I have also consulted my friend in another bank for a final unbiased opinion before finalising!

Years of experience would teach you to judge deals appropriately! What really matters are the figures on the table and this is so vital when it concerns the relationship with the bank in repaying the loan for many years!

5) BEST BEHAVIOUR: Even when you have reached your 5/6 decades,  even when you have many friends and associates, you still need to keep judging people judiciously. 

A very good friend of mine in his seventies has his needs ,he approached only 3 of his many friends for support. You need excellent judgement to choose who is a good friend, keep your confidence and still be willing to help you!

6) PROFESSIONAL JUDGEMENT:I have not even touched upon the judgement of teachers,  professionals, military leaders, sports captains, team coaches who keep judging others all the time! These people however have the advantage of being trained professionally to judge, assess people and situations! 

Finally judging others is not at all bad! In fact judging others around you all the time prevents you from making mistakes in action, decisions and money! 

However it is important to know, when you judge people, you need to be aware that with time, things change! So don't become 'judgmental'

Because

• people change over time,
• situations change all the time,
• they would have their own experiences to learn from.
• 
  

For people to judge you well, do all the 1-5 things we have discussed already

• Make a first impression! Always be ready. Opportunity knocks only once!
• Let your employees speak well of you! Be a good, kind, reasonable boss!
• Give people the best experiences with you! Alway do your best! Be honest!
• Give your best deals! Be reasonable! Be kind to the needy and poor!
• Be on your best behaviour! Perform well, keep confidences, communicate!

(All pictures are from internet)