DO YOU SAY ‘YES’, WHEN YOU MEAN ‘NO’?

  

My wife keeps telling me, “Why can’t you say ‘no’ to people instead of palming them off to me?!”

A lot of truth in that! She was brought up in the Air Force style, not taking any nonsense from anyone!

I find it difficult to say ‘no’ to many requests! The closer the person is to me, the more difficult it is! 

My 2 year old grandson knows this best and makes it count! (though he is only learning to count!!)

When was the last time you said “Yes”, when you were screaming inside to say “NO”?

I’m sure it is true of most of you as well!

In that case, THE TRUTH IS:

• ·         You pretend to agree with everyone!
• ·         You want to please everyone!
• ·         You want to be everywhere all the time!
• ·         You want to be liked by everyone!All the time!(consider self worth– love yourself most of all)
• ·         You want to act just like all the people around you in whatever they do! (dangerous)
• ·         You go to any extent to avoid a controversy, even when it puts you to immense inconvenience!
• ·         You are uncomfortable stating an opinion contrary to the other person!
• ·         You do favors for others, but do not enjoy them at all!

In that case, WHAT YOU DO TO YOURSELF:

• ·         You put yourself below others!
• ·         You love yourself &your loved ones less!(wasting your time,when you should be with family)
• ·         You become unpopular and unreliable! (people know you are a sucker to fall for any plan)
• ·         You develop less confidence in yourself! (waving like the straw in the wind)
• ·         You hate the things you do, when you are aware you should be doing better things!
• ·         You fail to please the people who love you!This is of importance when you're the family head!

WHAT IS THE ‘CURE’?

Say “NO”! Stand up for yourself, your time, your principles, your loved ones!

But be gentle, courteous and reasonable in saying “NO”!

Be aware that people who want to like you, will like you any way!

Be aware that people who don’t want to like you, won’t anyway! Their loss, totally – ha ha!

Once people accept the new you, they will respect you!

People become aware of your stand in issues and need you less!

You have more time in your life to do the enjoyable things which matter!!

And stop putting 'thumbs up' on whatsApp groups when you don't actually agree, just to belong to the majority!

FAILURES – WHY, WHEN, HOW TO COPE WITH THEM!

FAILURES – WHY, WHEN, HOW TO COPE WITH THEM!

‘Failure is just the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently’

Another is year is passing by!  I am sure you, like me may have encountered successes and failures in the last year. During next year too, we know that we will continue to face similar situations!

Every motivation book talks on “How to be a success”, “Follow the successful people for victory”!

I have not come across much about how to analyze your failures and more importantly how to cope with them.

If you are a parent, teacher or a motivator, you should talk equally about coping with failures as you talk about achieving successes! Failure is just the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently!

And hence if you have been a success all your life, move on…. Don’t read this blog! It is not for you!  This is merely for folks who meet with failures periodically!!

Life is all about negotiations! In the world of negotiations, if one person succeeds, the other has to fail. Most situations in life, be it between USA versus Russian governments on missiles, Government versus opposition on election issues, job interviews, school admissions, examinations of any kind, are involving negotiations. You have to argue and prove that you more reasonable than the others! That you are the best choice! That you have the best solution! Except with wives – they are always right!!

So someone has to ‘give in’ (or ‘fail’). If this is in a family, the situation is referred to as ‘give and take’! If it is in a war situation, it is known as ‘victory or loss’! In an examination, it is ‘pass or failure’!

STAGE OF DEPRESSION

Hence let us begin by saying you have failed in a given situation. What next?

You may be overwhelmed by grief, depression, shame, what others would say,your dark future. So it takes time to recover from it. There is a transient ‘blue mood’. There is a period of decreased psychomotor activity which means, less of physical activity and more of introspection! Your friends / parents can easily make out by your visible slowing and blue mood that something has gone wrong with you! This is the logical first reaction.

STAGE OF RECOVERY

This ideally is followed by the stage of recovery. This is the time to say that you cannot win them all and move on with your life. This is acceptable for minor issues

But there are times when the goal is important in your life; you have to try again.

 This is the time to introspect and logically think. Just brooding and blindly redoing the same process may still result in further failures. You need to find out why you failed, learn from it and go on. The danger is if you do not get up and walk away. This deepening feeling of loss leads to loss of further productivity and even loss of one’s own life!

STAGE OF ANALYSIS:

So now is the time to wonder why you have failed to success.

It may be -              Failure to plan

                                Failure to learn

                                Failure to anticipate difficulties

                                Failure to have plan B if the first plan A goes south

                                Failure to just face a failure

Let us look at each in more detail!

FAILURE TO PLAN:

'If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.' 

On reaching 50 years, I decided I would run a full marathon! But first of all, you must know that I was never the macho, sporty type , now or in college! So I knew I would not even clear 3 km of distance. But the desire to run a full marathon was definitely there!!

I know I have to plan the event. It is not going to be this month or next month. I scheduled it 9 months later or rather I started practicing for it 9 months earlier, slowly, gradually, painstakingly. There are times I wondered why the heck I was training so hard in the gym for a full marathon. You must really be sure of your goals; unless you have the goals firmly engraved in mind, and you plan the event, it is likely to fail.

By the way, I ran all the way and finished it!

FAILURE TO LEARN:

In a competition, or an examination for entrance to a post graduate course, there are going to be only a limited number of winners or seats! So if you wish to be in it, it is important that you know all about the requirements for it.

I know this well, as I have done enough competitive exams in life .In a written examination, you have to not only know the syllabus, but also what books to read, read the past few years of question papers, do the mock exams both written and try viva ( interview) sessions with a colleague!

So prior knowledge about the event goes a long way in the field you are competing.

FAILURE TO ANTICIPATE DIFFICULTIES:

We have a tendency to watch a match on TV programs and criticize the players on the field. We become armchair critics.

In a game like cricket, you have to not only know your team strength well, but also know what the players are like on the other team. You have to know what their strength in - bowling (pacers versus spinners), or batting! You not only have to work on your strength, but also on their weakness! This is true of performance competitive sports!

In a war situation, you go one step further! You not only know the weakness of your enemy, but also exploit it to your advance to incapacitate him, to neutralize him! Even a powerful modern army relies on communication for operation of their aircrafts, troops’ movements. So, one can always look at options of interfering with electronic communication to cause initial confusion and hence failure. The powerful army remains mighty only by being aware that this would be the Archillis tendon and takes enough measures to keep its own strength. So even when you are prepared well, look for your weak spots and keep remedying  them!

FAILURE TO HAVE PLAN B IF PLAN A GOES SOUTH:

Most motivation books cover aspects of successes! When I read them, I am aware of how many people I meet daily with failed projects, depressed with failures. Not many books mention failures!

When I talk to these folks,they have been led up the garden path by useless advisers, ill advertisements or con men! They have been assured of a cure, or a big jackpot!

It is good to go into life with both eyes open. There should always be an alternate option anytime in life. When one (plan A) fails, we should take the other path (plan B)!

As surgeons, we are taught how to do the surgery; if there are unanticipated difficulties at surgery, one can always turn back. Unless the point of no return is reached, this is possible.

In life situations too, one meets with difficulties. There should be an alternate source of income or an alternate person (spouse) to provide bread for the family when the business starts to fail. 

It is not good to take out loans unless one is able to plan well in advance about repayments.

FAILURE TO ANTICIPATE A FAILURE:

I always consider the worst outcome in any event, before taking part! It does not sound like great advice, but makes anything practical for me! Most people take part in events only prepared to win; they may be heartbroken when they lose!

For instance if one has a loan to pay for a business building, it is best to mortgage the site with the bank (rather than the house you live in). God forbid, if you fail to repay, the bank only will take the building. They will not lay hands on your house where your loved ones live.

Many young people live with a dream of becoming a doctor for instance. If one does not get into the medical college, one can try in other good alternate professions like dentistry or veterinary field or a biology major. One should not be heart-broken just because one does not get what one aims at. This is not a failure. It is just a change of direction to succeed!

In summary,

DON’T:

In case of failure,

• Don’t resort to alcohol!
• Don’t resort to drugs!
• Don’t contemplate suicide!
• Don’t ignore depression if it affects your normal life!
• Don’t confide in the wrong people!

DO:

• Get over it (Gajini Mohammed, King Bruce & the Spider)
• Take advise of parents, spouse, close friends!
• Analyse, Plan, Prepare and Perform!
• No failure is worth contemplating taking your own life!
• If you fail to get up and walk away from your failure, then that surely is failure!
• Everything that happens can be for good – provided we make good choices in responding to it.

HAPPY 2019 TO YOU!

AT THE END OF 2018, DO YOU REMEMBER (Sowripalayam sayings)

AT THE END OF 2018, DO YOU REMEMBER (Sowripalayam Sayings!)

Do you remember the days you prayed for the things you have now?

Do you remember the hungry children displaced by wars, when your child cries?

Do you remember the homeless, when you travel out of the comfort of home?

Do you remember the hungry street dogs trashing the bins, when you feed your own dogs?

While we know we cannot solve all of world's problems, let us remember them!

For if we don't, who else is going to?

'BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE' ! (MG)

THREE STAGES OF MAN !

THREE STAGES OF MAN !

I learnt the Seven Stages of Man by Shakespeare in school. In fact by heart and vaguely remember reciting it for some competition in St Joseph’s High School,Trichy!

Introduction:

With growing years, I wonder why there are 7 stages of man!

Is it because a historical poet and the world’s greatest dramatist (the Bard of Avon) wrote this a long time ago? Does this not have variation in the tropical, third world countries?

You may soon know my dilemma in understanding his characterization of the seven stages - 'infant, schoolboy, lover, soldier, justice, pantalone and the old age' in the third world!

Peramble:

I recently met a man with my name who was 40 years old in the outpatient department. He told me I had delivered him and so his mom named him after me. So I thought I was sort of qualified in my own limited way, to write on what I think are the stages of man in the third world.

I must also mention my grandson who is only 2 years old, teaches me a lot about life.  After seeing his countenance, his moods in pre-school era, I wonder if I should blindly follow the 7 stages as the gospel truth!

I also spend considerable time with ‘Uncle Sam’ who is 86 years old at music practice and plays first violin with me. He needs no glasses to read the music score, he all his teeth intact, his taste is superb as he said last night at dinner that the ‘biriyani’ could have been a bit more spice! So obviously Shakespeare had not met the likes of ‘Uncle Sam’ when he described the seventh stage as ‘mere oblivion,sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything’

3 Stages of man:

I think life is a lot simpler with only 3 basic stages of man. This seems to fit most guys I know in all decades of life. The three stages comprise of his firm belief as to why he is on this earth! After all, life is only how we lead it, and we lead it by our effective actions aided by our firm beliefs.

The first stage is when he believes he is the supreme power. All he has to do is to make a noise and everyone will dance to his tune! There is no doubt in his mind that he is supreme human being and that all the others exist merely to please him! My young grandson belongs to this category! He demands whatever is precious to me, knowing he will get it! This is the age of Pre-School!

The second stage comprises of school and college days. This is the time the child in the third world learns social behavior. He learns what to say (and what not to say), when to say it, how to say it and most of all when not to say anything at all! He also learns that he is no longer the master of universe or the king of the castle! There are all sorts of guys around – ‘Annas and Thambis’! During this stage he is aware that though there are stronger, mightier and cleverer guys around, he knows he has to work hard. Or so he is told in school. The harder he works, the better marks, more the medals, more the glory! He knows life is fair!

During the second stage, he also learns that he has to be fair to everyone, to be polite, to follow the rules of the road, never to cheat, to be kind to the poor, the widows and always help the physically challenged. He is often told of ‘ heaven and hell’ or ‘karma’ depending on his actions. He knows life is fair, he knows if he competes on merit, he can do anything. His knowledge is marked and his physical skills are recorded in black and white.

‘Sky is the limit’!

‘The world is your oyster’!

  

The third stage is the ‘stage of reality’. After he qualities, he applies for a job. He attends the interview, fails to get the job despite better marks and qualifications … the other guy is better connected! And finally when he gets the job, more than mere marks; other material factors play a major role! When he works hard, his work is published by his superior without putting his name on the report (or the book)! When things go wrong he gets blamed by the fault of someone else with higher political connections and may have to officially take the fall for the other guy. By the time he experiences or witnesses these incidents, he has reached mid thirties and early forties.

The wife and his children play a decisive role in his life. He knows clearly that life is never black and white as taught in the school (the second stage) , but life is in shades of grey! He has now learnt to fit in the system … the knack of ( ?art) getting  school admissions, ways of easing the procedures of his house building, later getting his kids to college and then settling them in jobs.

So, by the time he enters his fifties, he has turned a philosopher! Either a cynic if he not learnt to compromise and this often brings on depression or he can choose the path of knowing the life will play itself out.

Cynic as he has become a pessimist when he fears the most, expects the worst & perfoms the  least!

If he is not a pessimist, knows by now that one cannot correct everything in the system. That one can only do the so called ‘right thing’ when most of the others may be taking the short cut. He has developed the mentality of ‘que sera, sera’ or ‘whatever will be, will be’  He has become ‘the change you want to see’! (Mahatma Gandhi)

He also learns that the people in the 8^th and 9^th decades, generally criticize less, move more, eat less, do their own chores and are easily contended. He may be ‘sans’ so many things as mentioned by Shakespeare. If he had lived well and looked after himself well, he will be sane in body (as permitted by his age), mind and soul.

PS: I have outlined the classical 7 stages of man by Shakespeare for reference to those who wish to refresh again!

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the bard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

PPS: Not mention of women. This is because Shakespeare in all his wisdom referred to ‘man’! Who am I, a mere mortal, to contract him? I hasten to add that the same rules apply to women as well. In fact statistics show that women live longer than men!

CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT GIVING!

Christmas is about giving

Christmas is about 'Giving' . 

'Goodwill to all men' in simple term means (to me )'giving'!

It is all about giving to those who need them,

                      giving in private or public ( as per your belief),

                      giving in service or kind or cash,

                      giving without their asking,

                      giving without asking anything in return,

                      giving when no one asks anything, but you know they need it

                      giving humans and giving animals!

Music ( close to my heart), greetings, gifts, new clothes, Sunday's best, decorations, social meetings, religious meetings, family meetings, dinners, parties.... with families and friends are all fine! They are needed immensely !

But let us not forget the needy, the easily forgotten, less remembered folks among us! 

For if we do, no one else would remember them!