ON MOTHERS' LOVE IN MODERN TIMES

On Mothers' Love in Modern Times

I have been looking at the transition of mothers over the past few decades.

The mothers of the 60s and 70s (Indian mothers that is), used to dedicate all their time for the children. They were full time home makers and their lives  were only for the children and the spouse. Their lives came to a standstill, at the exit of the kids or spouse.

The mothers of this millennium have a much harder time. Most Indian mothers( whom I know) are college educated. Most modern mothers now work to run the family finances… a significant increasing number are being single. In addition many have to drop off kids at school (cities have school buses, but in towns, many still do) , help with all the extra curricular activities in the evenings for the child ( music, dancing, martial arts, special classes for instance).

Modern mothers  manage their personal, professional and maternal lives by themselves…. they seem to have undergone a radical change . On the upside, most modern mothers are independent, know what they want of the child  and can take total care of the off springs by themselves…. But still nurse the children with the same kind of love and concern, just as the earlier mothers. On the downside, they seem more stressed as they have taken the additional welcome role of providing bread for the family!

I often listen to young mothers singing lullabies for their children ( in the surgical wards)….. many of the tunes are off tune, off timing with unclear and meaningless words to me. But ( suprisingly) the little ones listen carefully before dozing off to sleep…… And then the realization dawns on us that the lullaby is not sung for the world… it is sung solely for the child for whom it means the world! Such is the love and bonding between a mother and child.

Even when children grow up, they tend to confide more in more in others, talk more to mothers and care more for mothers…. It is not difficult to understand why! Mother’s love is always unique!

Maternal instinct is universal as it is also in non humans evidenced in our own loving pets as they can turn against us when we approach their newborns injudiciously, or even attack a larger animal with hostile intent, least caring for their own lives!

We learn so much about modern lab tests, scans and genetics to study health and life…. But I wonder if we ever will decode mothers’ love for the children!

NEVER TOO OLD TO BE GOOFY!

NEVER TOO OLD TO BE GOOFY!

1. With Jeyachandran1970-             2.With Hairy Pandian 42 years later

Jose Abraham&Victor Babu(initiation)                     same bogs!

Nearly 42 years ago, when I joined the Christian Medical College, Vellore, I shared a room with three other guys….room 245 in D block of Men’s Hostel also known as ‘the Mansion of the gods’.Sudipta became the chief of pediatric surgery, Suranjan became the Director of CMC institution! & Subhabrato became a famous anesthetist in Kolkata.

My friend and former ever popular HOD of surgery Prof Aravindan Nair had invited me for the wedding reception of his son yesterday at the college premises, which is adjacent to the mansion of the gods.

I landed half an hour early, having gone from Coimbatore nearly 450 km away. I needed a bath after a long sweaty journey. The choice ranged from inviting myself to the homes of any of my former classmates- each a big shot in Vellore like Vino the brainy chief of Community Health or Renu the meticulous chief of ophthalmology …. to checking into a hotel for a hot bath.

Am I still young and goofy ....or a stuck up old surgeon? I took a rickety of bus and got off at Gate 2 and walked up to the mansion of gods.(I was secretly happy that even a sober place like Bagayam was dug up upside down my hometown Coimbatore by the municipal corporation!) A guard looked anxiously at me, I just smiled and kept going towards my former D block.

There was yet another younger guard there and I expected to be challenged, but kept my eyes glued to the ground as not to give him any ideas. I climbed up the flight of stairs to the first floor.

The old room was the same somber self, dark with no inmates; the balcony at the back was covered with leaves from the adjacent flame of the forest, just as it used to be!

In the olden days, Keith Gammon was our next door neighbor with his famous baritone voice..always with the greeting, “Ennappa?”  Shastry lived in the adjacent room and next one belonged to David Rajan. The ‘maha’ seniors used to drop in and keep an eye on us whenever our room got a bit noisy. Shastry was friendly even used to borrow my violin to play!

But times have changed now; I was a total stranger on the premises and was ready to be caught any time and thrown out!

I took my chance and made my way to the bogs sheepishly…. Same old mirror… same old taps….. only new thing was the geiser for hot water.

Well, I was here for a bath.. was I not? , but could not find the stupid switch for the heater. So settled for the cold water shower instead in January!. When I finished, I came out to the mirror section to comb whatever little hair I had!

I met a suspicious looking character about 50 years or so, with grey beard and more moustache than scalp hair, walking around blue jocks. Decided to challenge him (after all, attack the best form of defense is it not? ).He said that he was the barber Pandian and he was wondering who the hell I was!

When I told him I used the same bogs some 42 years ago; he said his dad Nathan was the barber whom I remembered very well (who could forget him? as fresher, we used to be packed off  to him to have the ‘crew cut’ during ‘ ragging’ in the olden days).Even the barber shop is at the same place – at the foot of the stairs from block D.

To record my historic visit and my ability to sneak past the security guys half my age, I took a picture with Pandian who wanted to cover his lower torso, but then I assured him I could certainly handle a camera; after all this is what I do for a living.

On the way back, the security guards did not think it worthwhile even to cast a glance, a quick jaunt across Edward vault and there I was at the wedding reception at 7 pm prim and proper!

LEARNING ABOUT FATHER THROUGH YOUR SON! A TRIBUTE!

LEARNING ABOUT FATHER THROUGH YOUR SON!  A TRIBUTE!

“It is a wise father who knows his child.

But maybe it's a very wise child who takes time to know his father.” - ANONYMOUS

My 28 year old dropped in during breakfast time this morning to show me a letter from his grandfather, my father.

My thoughts flashed back to my late dad. We lived in a modest home in a small town. My father was always strict with my sister and me. He was a regional probation officer who dealt with rehabilitation of juvenile offenders.

He always seemed to have time for us as he used to sit at study almost everyday during  school days; he was always knew all our lessons and the answers too!

He paid through his nose for my music classes and ensured that a happy music teacher got me through the entire grade exams of Trinity College of Music, London.

He retired when I was in V standard in school (out of 11 standards). He took on 4 jobs at a single time to see me through the best medical college; he turned down some of the government colleges where my marks qualified me to study free because he wanted me to study in the prestigious CMC Vellore- which I did subsequently paying a fee.

Every Sunday, I had to memorize that week’s particular prayer by heart before breakfast…. No prayer- no breakfast!  Such was the strict moral upbringing. 

He did not look happy when I did not get the first rank in school, nor when I told him I passed in MBBS in second class ( it did not matter that no one passed in first class in the entire university!) He had a high standard and was a hard act to follow...... Many a time I had wondered whether I could ever impress him! 

Back to the present now….. my son today came accidentally across a letter from his grandfather written in 1985 in his own handwriting in an inland letter; my mother had signed it too in the end. He proudly flashed his grandfather’s first birthday letter ( addressed and posted to him!) – so different from the cards of today!

How did he write such a letter to a one year old on his birthday? Did he know that this letter would one day reach his grandson after 28 years ? And be discussed in among family and friends?!

There is so much for me to learn from this letter about life and love… from a father who is no more!

“Our dear grand son,

Today is your First Birth Anniversary day. Pattiammal and I give you a warm hug, sweet warm kisses and wish you a Happy Birthday and wish you many happy returns of the day. We pray God to keep you to grow in the fear and wisdom of the Lord.

You are a member of the All Saint’s Church, Puthur, Trichirapalli. Your birthday was announced in the Sunday service on 12.5.85 and all the members prayed for a Happy Birthday to you and wished  you many Happy Returns of the day.

We wish you all good luck,

From loving grand parents  “

CHANGING PATTERNS IN PATIENT DOCTOR RELATIONSHIP

CHANGING PATTERNS IN PATIENTS AND PRACTICE

Today unusually I was in the out patient block seeing patients. I have been quite busy over the past few months. Doing many cases daily forces me to see most of my out patients in a room adjacent to the operating theater.

A mid thirties smart man walked in to the room and for convenience I will call him Joe. Joe was well dressed, a fit and articulate young man. He announced that he had an anal fistula. He came to the hospital last week and ordered on his own an MRI of the wrong end of his gut for confirmation. His ordering MRI on his own surprised me as this is an expensive test and a fairly new one to most of the surgeons ;…… also how did  hospital do this without any doctor authorizing it.

I assumed by now that he was an IT (Information Technology person from computers) man…. well informed folks these are. By now, Joe wanted me to read the MRI x rays and tell him if this necessitated an operation. This was most unusual as you normally pay the doctor to examine you first, and then to advice you!

As  a medical trainee from Christian medical college and later on, as a surgical trainee from the same alma mater, I was always trained to ask, “ What is your main problem?” “Fistula in ano”, said he and looked at me in wonder as if I was a moron!

When I persisted, “How does it bother you?” He said, “Not at all”. Now it was turn to look at him and return the compliment. He further surprised me saying that he did not want me to touch him and examine him , but just to look at his x rays and give an opinion! What an extra ordinary request!

I explained that generally I needed to examine him first for an opinion…. “No … no … no examination, just your opinion,” was his comment. Well, I decided to take him to the x ray suite and show his films to the radiologist for his actual comments.

The walk to the radiology was an eye opener for me. Joe had initially consulted an Auyervedic practioner for many years before seeing doctors. He had consulted even a colorectal surgeon for this ailment and when he advised surgery, he did not trust him. Well why should he trust me I asked….He had also googled me before coming. He had no belief in doctors. The reason?....His father who had suffered from stroke was not treated well by a well known neurologist. Joe also added that the doctors who had seen him for the present complaint never had enough time for him.

By now we had come to the end of our walk and arrived at  the x ray department. As luck would have it, radiologists were away at lunch and a young radiographer opened the x rays on the console panel and I explained patiently that the condition was a mild one. Since he had no symptoms, he might well use medical measures initially. I then offered to wait for the radiologist to return from lunch so that we can discuss with him also for a final opinion.

By now Joe appeared totally satisfied and said that he was happy with whatever I had done for him. He in fact said that no further opinion was needed and thanked me much for my time.

When I look back at the situation, I do not see an enlightened IT person. I just see a young terrified man who is scared that his surgeons have no time for him, that his doctors make mistakes in diagnosis. I wonder if the fault was really on his side or the physicians who saw him earlier. One is trained to inform and inculcate confidence in patients. This may take time, explanations and a great deal of patience. I know Joe may have upset his surgeons by his questions due to his anxiety and past experience with physicians. Had I not walked with him to the department of radiology, I might have completely missed it too!

He does not want surgery now but medications;  that  is all the advice he needed along with enough time for him to digest. He appeared satisfied…. Did he? Only time will tell!

Who knows… he might even let me examine him next time!

Goodbye Joe!

( Picture is "The Norman Rockwell image of the doctor-patient bond)